People with dependency concerns often put all their eggs in one basket — depending on a marital or parental relationship to satisfy all their needs for socialization, recreation, and affection. If I were to file for divorce, would my husband have to … Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. I thought I knew for sure what I wanted to do, and then, at the last minute, I changed my mind. Technically my husband could hire someone to watch our children and take care of our home, but I can’t hire someone to earn money for me. I was offered the position along with a slightly higher salary than my previous one. I’ve considered asking my husband if we could just live in the same house, but lead two separate lives. I just didn’t realize it at the time. (Duh!) Some amazing people didn’t get to work until their later years or switched careers mid-way. The shame hole just gets deeper and darker. I quit college when I was only 12 credits away from receiving my degree when we had our baby, and I have never returned. I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. Hi, I'm Jewels. There is no denying that fact. It was by design and not at all by accident. But research shows that financial abuse occurs just as frequently in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse. We should all feel disheartened by this fact. With these skills, they can study, graduate, and move on to high-paying careers. “Her husband keeps all the financial … Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. Most stay-at-home parents are aware of this problem. It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. We are interdependent. Please don’t minimize the contributions of stay at home moms. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives. But the truth is, he never, ever sees our relationships this way so neither should I. But I would argue that stay-at-home moms are not the only ones who are financially dependent. But their life choices tell a different story. Young women today have jobs, paychecks and interesting goals. When I was growing up, the values that were instilled in me were very simple: work hard and then work harder. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. Consequently, knowing how to identify financial ab… How many women can support their lifestyles on their own? Well, my employer just happened to announce company wide layoffs when I was four months pregnant. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. I never worried about our financial future because I routinely reviewed and managed our day to day transactions, credit cards, bank accounts, and excel spreadsheets. I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. Shopping sprees with my own money are so much more fun. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. It’s about talking through the weight of becoming financially dependent. They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. “How?” you might ask. My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. As a writer and illustrator, Audrey creates empowering content to help women love who they are, and overcome the widespread illness of fear. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. Contributing in non-financial ways is extremely important, but this post was focused on the monetary aspects of becoming a stay-at-home parent and thereby becoming financially dependent. Small snippets of time to write and focus. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. They can also learn that saving money is just as important as earning it. I am also a stay at home mom, and I think you forgot to mention that while yes, I am financially dependant on my husband, he depends on me for caring for our children and our home. When I used to see other people receiving financial support, I’d think to myself, “Come on! I’m not sure if I answered the question. My husband’s company and his salary eventually made up for my lost income, so I never felt the need to worry about becoming destitute or broke. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your … Just click here…. However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. It’s never been appealing to anyone. I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. I am as much dependent on my husband as he is dependent on me. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. If that weren’t the case, alimony would never be granted to working women. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.). I contemplated my options for months. The purpose of this post was also to point out that most of us are financially dependent. Still, there’s something truly satisfying about saving up and treating yourself to something special. The previous check was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items. July 30, 2019 by One Frugal Girl 4 Comments. We are both 100% dependent on each other. Being financially dependent on someone can be incredibly difficult. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. I was dependent long before I became a stay-at-home mom. Financial abuse is something that we rarely discuss openly since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of what appears to be otherwise, a normal relationship. women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees, How to Live Simply: My Plan for Living With Less, Know Your Worth: Value Yourself Beyond Money, How To Live Your Best Life Without a Lot of Money. I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. I’m no different. I no longer feel like an equal member of our team. It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. I am 100% financially dependent on my husband because I am a student with a 1 year old. Who am I kidding? I believe I work hard but at this point in my life, my income doesn’t reflect that. They often depend on others to create and maintain their life for them. My husband works out of town and she is my only other companion. It means learning to see yourself as worthy and valuable even if you don’t make a crazy amount of money. It comes when I know we can pay our bills and credit cards. If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? I feel ashamed to make less than a man. By JoAnne C. Holt, Divorce financial analyst. A chronic, financially dependent spouse is not created in a vacuum without your participation! Wouldn’t you? Thank you for your comment. Hold on to those pockets of time to do something meaningful that could turn into a career down the road. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. The issue is not just about lacking income. My husband saved more than half of that amount. I was guaranteed a small pension worth roughly $1,200 per month. Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? Here’s how I’m wrapping my head around becoming financially dependent on my spouse. Few would have the opportunity to do so. “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … My husband’s income was more than enough to cover all our bills and still invest a lot. Most of us need one another to pay the bills, so we should all be equally invested in understanding our income, expenses, and all other aspects of our finances. He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. Our marriage is not 25/50 or even 50/50, but rather 100/100. Let alone reach FI alone? First, you should know that I struggled with the decision to leave the workforce. I like to consider myself a strong and independent woman—don’t we all? Many married working women are also financially dependent. Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. ... Porsha Stewart, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart. My husband and I were separated the last 11 months of the year and our two minor children lived with me for a greater part of the year than they lived with my husband. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. I’ve worked ever since I was 16, I paid my way through college and graduate school, I bought every car I’ve ever owned. Being poor has never been appealing to me. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. And if I fail at these things? I have to socially affable. What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. I set up an interview for a new job weeks after I received the news. Your email address will not be published. Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. Receiving isn’t my strong point. I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. My company matched my contributions up to 6%, and the market gave me an additional lift after that. Well, at least hopefully it will be. If he is financially inept, then I’m sure he is mentally, emotionally, and physically inept. We also need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female role models to meet and aspire to become. Talk about a disaster. by Sasha King December 3, 2013 December 3, 2013 174. My husband provided all the financial support. I work hard, so should you!” What I never realized is that these people who received financial help actually needed it. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. If I’m not good at making money, I feel like I have to be good at lots of other things. If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. My husband gives money every time because he knows single parents need financial help. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. How does it feel to be financially dependent on my husband? Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. Not a single one of them could remain in their current homes, paying their existing mortgages without the addition of their husband’s salary. Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. I certainly wouldn’t have qualified for mortgages on multiple homes. You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. They need to know how to log in to bank accounts, where money comes from, how much insurance the employed spouse has, etc. If you have passion and interest you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are. A fact that I am still grateful for. There are many systemic reasons for this problem. Returning to the first line each time I reached the end of it. But this isn't the case with men. I am so jealous of his position. I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. I have to dress well. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. Who may claim the children as dependents on the tax return? It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. I’m a capitalist at heart. I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. I wish I could start building my career now, but I would have to start at the bottom of any career after being out of the workforce for over 14 years. I have been contemplating returning to work even though I have been out of the workforce for 9 years. From an early age, I learned to see myself through the lense of self-sufficiency and strong work ethic. There is no reason you cannot step into a career later in life. My final paycheck from work included a severance check worth more than $62,000. Thank you so much for posting this. Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? I have more time now than I did when my boys were little. Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. The list goes on and on. The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! Why do different genders receive such different messages? My concept of identity is tightly intertwined with money. It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. I’m not talking about instant gratification here. Most women who quit their jobs probably haven’t spent twelve years earning and saving as much as I did. I don't know the answers or how to soothe the sting of being financially dependent. I was financially dependent on mine. Financial independence is the ability to support yourself fully and completely without assistance. So I’ll try again. I’m afraid I’ll end up in a stereotypical sexist relationship. Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. “Does it bother you to depend on your husband’s paycheck?” It turns out that I was dependent on my husband’s money long before I ever quit my job. However, I couldn’t gain access to it until I reached retirement age. Money gives you freedom of choice and power. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. To level the playing ground, we need to introduce young women to STEM and show them how to solve complex problems. It should mean that both partners believe in the importance of one parent staying home. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. I am stuck here wasting my life, knowing that when the children are grown I will have nothing to show for my time spent raising them–professionally speaking. Your husband may have a type of dependent personality. I knew I could return to work if the need arose. In the past seven years, I’ve missed out on $1 million worth of potential income. If I didn’t have $1 million in the bank before my son was born, I’m not sure I would have left my profession. “Is it hard to be financially dependent on your husband?” The same answer applies. What do I think about depending on my husband for financial support? 1. We should teach young women about personal finance. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. The working woman already has a job, a career, a trajectory, and a means to make more money. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. Because I’m not making the big bucks in this relationship (at least for the time being), I feel like I always have to make up for it in other ways. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. Especially, just after I made the decision to stay home. I think it’s valuable to read the whole article for context, but if you are short on time, here’s a brief synopsis. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. I, personally, have not done an excellent job at either of those chores. I feel pretty worthless. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. So it’s difficult to feel empowered if you don’t have any in your own name. Lots of us think that we’re not making enough money and that our paychecks don’t really reflect all the hard work we pour into each and every work week. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. Of course, it does. Being financially dependent should not mean being blind to the money situation. In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. After all, you can’t reach financial independence without saving and investing it. Our investments at the time totaled over $1 million. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.) Are You Financially Dependent On Your Spouse? Abbey007. This blog is my story. Here’s What Your Zodiac Sign Suggests, They Might Not Seem Like It, But These 12 Things Are Emotional Abuse, 17 Life Struggles Of Women Who Are Naturally Loud, It’s Time To Finally Give Up On That Guy Who’s Not Into You, Why Not Having Kids Is Something You Should Seriously Think About, The More Amazing You Are, The Harder It Is To Find Love, Women Are Getting Married Less And Less — And The Reason Why Might Shock You, 7 Subtle Signs You’re Hotter Than You Think, These New Dating Terms Illustrate Just How Awful Dating Has Become, I Was Emotionally Available Until I Dated Way Too Many Guys Who Weren’t. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. However, we’re in the new decade now. If you cannot maintain your current lifestyle, then you are also financially dependent upon your partner. Lets … A reader sent me a long email in response to that post. I would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. I know there are ways to move forward, but I am having a lot of trouble seeing them. Filed Under: Family Finances, Financial Frustrations. My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. I have to be beautiful all the time. Maybe there is one, but I can’t see it from inside this problem. Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. This is not about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable in the household. Probably. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? And if men are groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren’t women? I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. Thanks in part to the markets and my husband’s continued drive to work. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. That is a lot of work. I hate feeling like I am stuck in a problem with no solution. I'm a college student with one more year to go. Hi. I will be worse off than when I started. And that they work together to ensure their finances are solid and their bases are covered. I am very independent and will make sure to be able to afford anything I want. When I asked my ever-wise husband about his opinion, he pointed out that just because one spouse might be financially dependent on the other at … 5 TIPS TO LESSEN YOUR FINANCIAL RISK. Your email address will not be published. That doesn’t include proceeds from the properties we could have sold. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. There isn’t an age limit on contributing to the world at large, so don’t place the burden of a timeline on your dreams. What's more, financial abuse is often the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse. It’s time to modern up and abolish the … Despite earning six-figures, I couldn’t pay for our bills by myself. I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. If wisely invested, that money could have grown to more than $3 million throughout my lifetime. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. Kids are expensive – and so is life! You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. When something special is just given to me, I appreciate it but it does feel less valuable because I haven’t invested in it myself. We are having very different experiences. I feel that I need to overcompensate for my lack of financial prowess. I think my children greatly benefit from having me at home with them, and homeschooling is something that I am passionate about, but it doesn’t take away the feelings of shame and degradation over not being able to contribute something meaningful to the world, and help provide for my family. I am writing a novel. While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. A stay-at-home mom will need to find employment before she can begin earning. And all those lovely expenses like rent, groceries, phone and hospital bills? Choosing to live on my husband’s salary — he’s the breadwinner — while I started my freelance business has been challenging. They don’t need to buy insurance, but they need to know that it has been purchased, etc. As a fellow stay-at-home parent I want you to know that I have felt the same way as you do. Most of us have little to no income. There are also a huge number of perks. Periodical Payments can be ordered at the conclusion of Divorce and Financial Matters, these are payments out of the income of your husband, this type of order is known by the … I too want to leave a bad realationship but i am financially dependent on my husband, have a small baby, abroad so isloated from family. I’m a capitalist at heart. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. Even working spouses. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. I am homeschooling our seven children, and I work hard at home, but I still feel awful. These financial details provide critical details to my decision-making process. I want to end my loveless marriage, but I am financially dependent My wife of 25 years takes me for granted and belittles me, but I don't think she would accept a split. How much harder will it be for her to achieve them? It may result in a paycheck someday, but it certainly not this week. Don’t I seem like such a fun and funny person in this comment? For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. I'm still uncomfortable with being financially dependent on my spouse. I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. More specifically, she had a couple of questions she wanted to ask: I stared at the words on my computer screen and read the email in its entirety fifteen or twenty times in a row. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Does it bother me to feel dependent on my husband’s paycheck? I’ll be honest. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier. I am financially dependent on my husband. I looked for work, but he managed to find fault with any place that offered me employment. 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